Authenticity is not something that we have or don't have. It is a choice. A conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make each day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen-Brene Brown
100 blog posts over 100 days. I started this challenge because I was working on a project for a mindful leadership course. I planned to invite experienced social workers to share their practice wisdom in order to help students and newly qualified workers as they started out.
I took the advice of Moira (aka my mum) that I could not ask others to be vulnerable and tell their story if I was not willing to do the same.
I was inspired to write a blog by ethical
entrepreneur, Seth Godin who writes a daily blog and has written over 7000 to date. He describes the clarity and magic which is created by this form of communication (he also says the first 1000 are the hardest to write!).
I had no idea how this challenge would work out. In my head it was going to be me reflecting on my time as a social worker. Yet in the first blog, I surprised myself as I immediately went deep: " I am a lot of roles but I don't know who I am". A conscious choice from an unconscious place.
In that first post, I also stated a conscious choice to show up and be real: "to be scared of writing this fucking thing and to do it anyway, to commit to writing something brave and kind every day".
However, showing up and being real is not easy. Honesty is super hard. It involves taking off the layers of stories and armour that we build to protect ourselves.
The hardest things that I have written about involved being honest about things that I have never been honest about. My traumatic childhood experiences of my dad's wobbly recovery from brain surgery, my brother's experiences of violence when we were kids, my long and complex relationship with suicide, my two divorces.
I could never have chosen this level of honesty without support. I invited people that I trusted to read the blogs. I had no idea the strength that I would gain from these connections or that I would encourage others to be vulnerable.
I had planned to finish the last few posts reflecting on the last job that I had in practice-criminal justice. However, real time events took over as I focused on my (soon to be ex) husband after he received the divorce paperwork.
I then made a collection of choices. I made the choice to forward the abusive messages that he sent me to people who loved me. I made the choice to copy my response to his abusive, drunken messages and then I made the choice to copy his abusive reply in this blog.
This also involved choosing to be honest about the number of messages that he has sent like this since we separated. The response and support of others has allowed me to see that this is emotional abuse and I am starting to acknowledge the diminishing, shaming impact that it has had on me.
Brene says that shame needs three things to grow-secrecy, silence and judgement. Empathy, however, is the antidote to shame. The whole-hearted empathy that I have received in the last week has taken my breath away and I can feel my shame begin to diminish.
And, the more honest I have chosen to be, the more my authentic true self has emerged. My relationships with others have been beautifully strengthened.
And critically, the relationship that I have with myself has been strengthened beyond measure.
I am making a choice to keep working with therapist, Laura to look at the impact of this abuse and befriend the fuck out my shame. I have decided to use my mindfulness practice to help with this process and plan to write my first course essay on overcoming shame.
I wonder if this insight and the opportunity to heal has been my subconscious intension all along, when I was first inspired to start this challenge.
As Carl Jung says 'your vision will become clear, when you look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inwards, awakens' #thankyou #thepowerofconnection #braveasfuck.
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