So I got my second divorce papers signed today. And it felt OK because for the last few weeks and months, I have been quietly saying goodbye, I have been closing the chapter, I have been reflecting on the lessons and working to let go. Part of the mindful leadership programme that I am doing asked me to own where I am right now by choosing a major life event (so I chose my current divorce) and to then reflect on some key areas.
These include the hardest lesson that I have learnt about myself through this divorce. This has easily been the utter terror that I had of being abandoned which I equated with being single. I did not value the absolute power of being single. I had always been in long relationships, including 2 marriages, each relationship lasting 10 years.
So I defined myself purely by the person I was with, what they were like, what they did for a living, how funny they were at parties. I felt shaped by another person. So take that source of validation away and I was an empty vessel essentially. So I guess I am now learning ALL about myself.
I need to take responsibility for thinking that some one else could fix me and that I could fix them. For placing really high expectations on a partner to meet all of my needs and often withdrawing love when that did n't happen. To recognise the enormous weight that places on that person, to seek reassurance from myself rather than constantly looking to some one else.
I think I still need to fully accept that I don't need a husband or children to fulfil me, complete me, give my life meaning or value. Full acceptance would allow me to let go of these past roles and conditioned thinking to fully embrace my (super exciting) future as my authentic beautiful self.
From this evolved mindset, my advice to myself is keep on rocking it. After my first marriage, I jumped into a relationship with the man I had a really brief affair with (I get that infidelity happens-I have done it).
Fifteen years ago, at the end of a marriage, I immediately looked to some one else to save me. Fifteen years later, at the end of another marriage, I have saved myself. I have retreated inside-I have journaled, I have read the wisdom of others (David Richo, Brene Brown, Bryon Katie, Glennon Doyle, Russell Brand, Eckhart Tolle, Pema Chodren to name a few favourites). I have committed to deep lockdown therapy in efforts to heal my childhood wounding. I have then scared the shit out of myself by sharing this journey in a daily blog.
My advice to myself is to keep forgiving-him and me. In the words of Adele, to wish nothing but the best for him, and for me. Adele's song, Hello came into my head last week (Adele recently bigged up Glennon Doyle's incredible book, Untamed). For a few days, "Hello" became my grieving soundtrack as I prepared for the lawyers. Accepting that sometimes love lasts but sometimes it hurts instead. I always assumed the meaning of Hello was Adele talking to an former lover. Apparently not. Its about Adele talking to herself-the true self she lost in that relationship. Hello From the Other Side. My divorce soundtrack. Boom.
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