Today, I was with Moss, beloved family sheepdog as he made his final journey to the vet to be put down. I sat beside him, rubbing his neck under his collar-something he had always loved. Over the last few years, Moss had deteriorated physically losing his sight, teeth and finally his mobility. This photo was taken on Christmas Day 2019 when Moss and I had walked over the hill to Arnumbie where we sat and looked at the Paps of Jura. Moss had n't managed this once frequent walk with me for nearly a year. Yet that day, he unexpectedly came with me and we spent a couple of hours together in the bright December sunshine, staring out at the sea and the hills. It was wonderful and I savoured it as I knew this would be the last time we did this together.
My act of inner bravery today initially felt like a long time coming. Growing up on a small sheep farm on the Mid Argyll peninsula, I had been brought up with many working sheepdogs. Mac was the only dog that we got as a pup. He lived in the house for a while and I just adored him. When he was 7, Mac got cancer-unusual in such a young dog. As his health deteriorated, he was allowed back into the house, staying upstairs in my room. I loved this time with Mac. Towards the end of his life, I woke up during the night to see Mac in the corner of the room having wet the floor. He looked confused and in pain. I knew it was time for him to go to the vet-something I had been resisting over the last few days.
I said goodbye to Mac the following day and Duncan took him to the vet. I have always deeply regretted not sitting in the back of the jeep with him on his last journey. So my Brave As Fuck action today was to stay with Moss right until the vet, Catriona came out and stood where he could see me as the syringe went into his front paw. Afterwards I said to Duncan that I had managed to do for Moss what I was not able to do for Mac. Just at that moment, I realised that I had been too young to cope with that then. I was finally able to forgive my 15 year old self as I embraced the bravery of my 45 year old self.
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