Half-Way

So this is my 50th post. Woohoo. I have committed to writing 100 blogs. Half-way. So it is longer than usual as I have indulged myself in a review, a careful examination of the last 50 posts (so thank you for reading).

I am going to unashamedly use the word 'journey'. Because that is exactly what this feels like. An unexpected, awesome journey. To journey. The act of travelling from one place to another. From fear and staying small to choosing what mindfulness teacher, Jon Kabit Zinn calls 'heartfulness' and authenticity. The courage just to be myself.

I have committed to writing a daily blog for 100 days to basically own my story. This comes after recognising that I am many roles in life, however I am not sure who"I" am. I have committed to being vulnerable and facing this discomfort which has kept me small and fearful.

This commitment has taken me in many unexpected directions. It has given me the courage to be more authentic with my family and friends, ultimately leading to deeper connections. Expressing rather than suppressing my anger with my sister has allowed us to talk and connect on a level that we never have. My awareness of falling into unconscious behaviour patterns with my brother allowed me to change the pattern by telling him that I loved him instead. I have valued my mum, not become pulled into my dad's mood and invited depth into the relationship with my auntie.I have started to frequently tell my parents that I love them (not standard practice in the West of Scotland).

Whenever I feel resistance or discomfort, I have actively chosen to sit with whatever is causing it, leaning into rather than away from it. I had an acute vulnerability hangover following a video that I made about what our neighbourhood Gardening Posse meant to me during lockdown (I cry at the end). I overcame my strong urge to delete it and shared the video with the G Posse instead. I have shown myself radical loving kindness during an actual strawberry dacari hangover.

I have reflected on and shared the hard things in my life. Violence, infidelity, infertility, divorce (twice). I am slap bang in the middle of my second divorce and have shared my shock, devastation and terror of abandonment which the unexpected end of this marriage provoked in me. I have worked through my tendency to take complete responsibility for the end of this marriage and been able to maintain compassionate boundaries by choosing to have no further contact. I have thrown my wedding rings in the Falls of Clyde recognising that beginnings always hide themselves as ends (also an awesome Mike Posner song).

I have faced and healed life long regrets. Blessed Be The Love Of An Old Dog allowed me to take Moss, beloved family dog on his final journey to the vet, cuddling him in the back of the van on the way there and being where he could see me when the vet gave him the injection.This act allowed me to release the deep regret that I have held since I was 15 that I had not accompanied Mac, my childhood dog on the same journey.

I have been regularly racked with doubt and my inner critic has deeply challenged my decision to write these blogs. To overcome the gremlins, I have enlisted the support of a very small group of very trusted individuals in my life. They read every blog and make supportive, encouraging comments. Without these, I definitely would not have made it to this half-way point. I acknowledged my gratitude for this support with blog titles, Our Stories Are Not Meant For Everyone and Connection is Fairy Dust.

I have been blown away when one of this trusted group, who is also a former student wrote to me after reading When One Of Us Shine. She wrote that my open vulnerability in these blogs has made her feel more empowered to think a little deeper, reflect more and be more vulnerable. She was brave as fuck and overcame her own 'cheeseballness cringe' hangover to share the ways that she feels that I have encouraged and nurtured her in her life. Fuck wow. These words were particularly powerful because in When One Of Us Shine, We All Shine, I realise that I have overcame difficult and bullying experiences from a female boss at the start of my social work career by trying to nurture and develop the confidence of others.

To gain inspiration, I have reflected on the brave as fuckness of the people in my life. My sister in her role as carer to my neice, who has aspergers syndrome. On one of my best friends, Squeeze who recently published her memoir. This followed the film that she and first husband, Neil made at the end of his life from motor neurone disease, " I Am Breathing" being shown as a Global Health Classic having aired in over 200 countries worldwide.

I have acknowledged my intense, life long need to please people, exploring my childhood to understand this. I have connected with my six year old child and significantly been able to identify her feelings of being scared and helpless as she watched her dad be rushed into hospital with meningitis (twice), remain in hospital for a long time and then return home to recuperate from brain surgery. I have connected with her terror that he would die, her decision to be quieter, smaller, to please people so that this would not happen. My awesome therapist, Laura has accompanied me on this journey. In blogs like Every No I Say Is A Yes To Myself, I have actively chosen to challenge this people pleasing behaviour using the physical feelings of discomfort as a guide.

I have recognised and shared the PTSD type symptoms I continue to experience from being a local authority social worker. These come not from working with those using social work services but from my fear and hyper-vigilance of the systems themselves. The fall out from carrying high levels of responsibility for individuals who were considered 'high' risk of causing harm to others with large case-loads and insufficient supervision. I continue to work through this and the opportunity to begin sharing my social work stories is helping so much with this healing.

I have had the courage to bring this up with my current boss who is braver than me and called it a bullying culture (when she said 'bullying', I really badly wanted to adapt and say it was all fine). An ex-collegue/friend refers to these shared experiences as "Nam" flashbacks which have helped me to start understanding the episodes of fear/blame and hypervigilence that I can experience. I sent her Shame, a post where I recognise the impact that the bullying behaviour of a previous boss had on my professional confidence and development. I messaged the link with the message-A Nam recovery start? She replied that I had articulated it really well which reinforced the power of connection in vulnerability.

I have become on first name terms with author and shame and vulnerability researcher, Brene Brown (well, I call her Brene, as far as I am aware, Brene has not started calling me just Cath yet). Brene's work on braving the wilderness and choosing courage over comfort have inspired me beyond words and I have taken to regularly reading and quoting random Brene quotes for an instant bravery hit.

Brene's documentary, Call To Courage triggered my recognition that I had experienced and can continue to experience deep shame from the experiences with this former boss. My dear friend, Heidi who lives in the US read Shame and asked to share it with an online Whole-Hearted group (what an awesome sounding group) which celebrates the work of Brene. This group has some 900+ members and Heidi wrote to me yesterday that "the group seem magnetised to Brene, thirsting for what she..and you.. are talking about". Wowsers. The power of connection in vulnerability.

In Boldness Has Genuis, Power and Magic I have reignited my lifelong dream to travel the world and started planning this trip. I am using every experience as an opportunity to listen in and be brave when I feel scared or stuck in an old story.

In one of the harder posts to write I reflect on a cold, wet night this February when I stood on a bridge over the Clyde for a very long time thinking it would be easier to jump. And realised that I did n't want to end my life, I just wanted to end the life where I was not living as my true self.

And I have been gifted with insight. In Theory Queen, I celebrate the theory, toxic guilt to explain my reductive tendencies to take responsibility for everything, a habit borne in childhood.

In Rocking The Hell Out Being Sick I challenge long seated fears of allowing myself to be ill without guilt, to allow my body to rest. This then prompted me to write Red Flags where I recognise old patterns from my social work days. An increase in my current workload has seen me adapt by increasing my maximum power to include working at nights and undoubtedly contributed to me getting sick. I have challenged this adaptedness by asking my boss for a meeting this week to discuss my workload.

The comments from others really have buoyed me immeasurably and extend the wisdom I feel I am gaining. Squeeze's recent comment on Rocking The Hell Out of Being Sick where she advised me to google 'lost convalescing' led me on a marvellous path on the lost art of recuperation which has seen my cancel all unnecessary plans for this week and plan to work in my pyjamas a lot (luv you, Squeeze).

The consistently supportive, empathetic comments by my friend, Joan have also encouraged my brave as fuckness. I have screen shot some of them as my phone wallpaper to remind me to be brave when I don't feel it.

Inspiring Brene quotes sent by my friend, Laura have also nailed it for me often. Donna in Sydney and Shelly in Ireland send me beautiful comments which are like inspirational alchemy.

And comments such as 'bloody incredible' from Jenny, founder of the awesome 6 month mindful leadership programme that I am doing. A programme which has helped me feel brave enough to create something which seems to be leading me to a path of greater heartfulness, sanity and wisdom.

Heidi is also wonderful cheerleader as committed to my progress as if I were a major league footballer. Yesterday, she messaged and asked if the vulnerability hangovers are getting less at day 50. A line from Glennon Doyle's fab book, Untamed jumped into my head "The braver I am, the luckier I get". And I do feel braver, I feel more in the flow and more aware when I am not, when I need to challenge my thinking. Yet luck somehow implies chance and Brave As Fuck has taken active commitment.

Jon Kabat Zinn also says our life is a path whether we like it or not. And that this path we call life has direction; that it is always unfolding, moment by moment, and that what happens now, in this moment, influences what happens next. So by committing to being brave as fuck I am actively changing the direction of my path. And the support and comments in response to this commitment help to keep me on this path, the path of the heart.