Letting Go Of Stories

Yesterday, I went to the village shop for the first time since I arrived. Firstly, I cheerfully walked into the shop when there were already 2 people inside and was immediately asked to wait outside. Whilst chatting to one of the villagers outside (I grew up here so know most people), she pointed out the fly of my jeans was down. Way to rock the homecoming shop visit!

I also chatted to a girl, now woman, that I used to babysit. She had her 3 year super cute son with her. I had a lovely conversation with him about his dinosaur wellies, his ability to jump in the puddles and his deep concern at his mum's lack of dinosaur wellies.

Afterwards, I realised that I had successfully practiced mindfulness by not listening to the past stories which have always tended to come up for me around kids. I just enjoyed being in the moment with a super cute wee boy.

These stories were more intense since I found out I was infertile just before my 40th birthday. I discovered I have very blocked Fallopian tubes after a very painful investigative procedure involving dye!

I had been (kind of) been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years, however my tendency to minimise everything outwardly (whilst ruminating inwardly) meant that I had put off going for medical investigations.

I was also ambivilent in many ways about having kids. I have 5 nieces and nephews, a step-daughter, a god-son and am auntie to friends' children. I super love all these kids, however I see how hard work the parenting gig can be.

There is a lot of pressure on women about children. Being infertile with a adapted personality meant that for a number of years, I perceived not being able to have them as lack. Some work with a transactional analysis therapist helped me to start exploring and releasing these feelings. In more recent work with therapist, Laura I have focused on mindfully grieving this loss or lack alongside the end of my marriage.

And I have discovered after many years of minimising my emotions and true selfness, that mindful grieving is the way to go-with everything! David Richo (incredible Brooklyn psychotherapist) describes mindful grief as "mourning and letting go of the past without expectation, fear, censure, blame, shame, control and so forth. Without such mindful grief, neither past nor person can be laid to rest.”

During lockdown, I took every Friday off and spent the morning reflecting on my journalling over the week, worked with therapist, Laura for an hour at 12pm then spent the afternoon processing these ungrieved emotions including from childhood. Lots of deep deep crying as I shed past trauma, losses, roles and expectations. Very intense, however completely worth it. A 3 month inner retreat.

And what I realised in this lovely connection with a super cute wee boy was my freedom from this story of lack. And what an open-hearted gift to myself and the super cute wee boys in the world. As I no longer project this story onto him or others-I just enjoy his gorgeous wee riff about his wellies.