I have just been studying and trying to get to grips with the university database system. I can't find several things and it made me feel stressed. I noticed that my mind started slipping into a series of very unhelpful thoughts-suddenly things in my life started feeling scary and shit.
I am struggling with one of the main practices we have to do and decided to check it out online to learn more about it. In this lowered energy state, I came across the biography of a very lovely sounding person who described her journey as a mindfulness tutor. Fabulous. Except that she has a photo of herself and her two small children blinking into the sunshine. I felt a howl of anguish leave me as I tapped into that familiar feeling of loss and not feeling enough.
Not being able to have children has always triggered complex emotions for me. I can genuinely value the time and space that I have in my own life yet unexpectedly be unearthed by a strong feeling of loss and lack. However, my growing awareness of the often insanity of my mind and determination to train it has made me question these thoughts.
When I am in a place of lack and unhelpful thinking (usually when stressed about something) then I am not enough. Full stop. So if I am triggered about not being a mother during these times I feel lacking. I look at pictures of lovely smiley women with their children and feel incomplete. Yet when I am feel chilled, happy and connected with myself, this photo would have little impact on me- infact, I would usually be able to think what little cuties the kids were.
I am also aware that I disconnect from others when I feel like this. I become snappy if my mum or sister mention some one's baby or children and they feel like they have to walk on eggshells about me. I remember reading a brilliant story about a woman who wanted kids and knew she had to look at herself when she found herself glaring at babies.
So it feels time to let go of this story-to remember that being a parent is not the panacea to life either. At times, it can be hard, dull and repetitive. I actually am in awe of parents for all of their efforts.
So, I am going to choose a different story; one where I am kinder to myself and others. One which allows me to enjoy the super cuteness of kids and appreciate the amazingness of their parents without feeling lack, unfulfilment or glaring at them.
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