My therapist, Laura reminded me that I had said these words to her at our last session. I was quoting from Glennon Doyle's book, Untamed. My favourite lines in the book as she referred to her own recognition of her true, untamed self. I do what the fuck I want.
These words made me realise that I am in control of my life. Just me. Yet I struggle to remember this. I was talking to Laura about a work situation where I feel I have to walk on eggshells about a male, older work colleague. Feelings of rage, resentment and reminders of my childhood came unexpectedly rushing up. I burst into tears which I now know means something authentic is happening. I realised that my wee child has been the one in this relationship for the last 18 months and I had n't realised.
Talking to Laura, I realised that this individual reminds me of my dad. So I just got into script. I made myself smaller and quieter. I tried to please him. I assumed he was angry or annoyed with me. I handed over my power as a healthy adult. Just as I have done in most of my relationships with men.
Yet even as I processed these feelings to Laura, I became defensive, scared to acknowledge the impact of some one's bad behaviour. Scared of feeling disloyal. Scared that I had n't pleased them. Assuming responsibility for their mood. I remembered something I had read and shared with Laura-I have a right to be happy when other people are not. Laura reminded me very clearly that I am not responsible for this person's behaviour or mood. I stared at her, my 6 year old child not quite grasping the enormity of this. However, my 45 year old healthy adult is starting to get it #idowhatthefuckiwant #livingfree #braveasfuck.
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