Cath, there is no way I am opposing the divorce, I am fucking delighted. I am annoyed that it took you a year to do it but glad that you did. Re your message... I don't want any more contact with you, I'm glad that you continue to do more work on yourself but to be honest I find it boring and whatever story you tell yourself about the breakup of our relationship, you were abusive and a nightmare to live with and it is mostly your fault.I am really relieved that I was not stuck in a house with you during a global pandemic. So Catherine no more contact from me... good luck and God speed.
PS Lauren is 21 on Wednesday
And to be crystal clear I don't welcome contact from you. I think we were in an abusive relationship and that you were the abuser in chief.
Until you accept that, the work you do on yourself will not work.
This was the reply yesterday morning from my husband to my message where I set out boundaries about what was not okay for me. In typing these words just now, I can feel myself start to question if he is right. I start to feel that I am fucked up, I am abusive, I am a nightmare to live with.
I have also super debated copying this message. I looked back on the messages that he sent the night before and this message is actually a nicer message. In previous ones, he has called me a cunt, a dick and made negative comments about my family. I have always deleted these messages from my phone whilst fully absorbing their content into my psyche.
To give myself courage, I have just read the first entry that I wrote for this 100 day blog challenge:
I am a lot of "roles" and experiences but I am not sure who "I" am. I know I have never been single before because I was literally terrified of being on my own, I know I have lived my whole life trying to please and/or rescue people, I know I have let other people's opinions of me matter more than my opinion of me, I know I have been damaged by being a local authority social worker, I know I am fearful, hypervigilant, I know I constantly doubt myself, take responsibility for things I should n't, I know I keep myself small.
Any yet by not leaping into another relationship, or lets face it, marriage, I know I am in the process of giving myself a gift. The gift of me!!
I am learning that I am funny, warm, kind, caring, empathetic. I am learning that I am creative and fucking fabulous, I am learning awareness of my power. I am learning that I have a true self, which exists as the truest part of me.
In reading these words, I realise the truest part of me knows that my husband is scared and in emotional pain, the truest part of me recognises that I have set healthy boundaries for myself for the first time.
Rick Hanson's theory of negativity bias argues that that the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positives ones. That our brains have evolved with specialised circuits that register negative experiences immediately in emotional memory to prevent us from harm.
On the other hand, positive experiences – unless they are very novel or intense – have standard issue memory systems, and these require that something be held in awareness for many seconds in a row to transfer from short-term memory buffers to long-term storage. Since we rarely do this, most positive experiences flow through the brain like water through a sieve, while negative ones are caught every time.
As my 100 day challenge is drawing to an end, it feels time to let go of the collection of negative words sent by a fearful person and to practice holding onto the positive, warm, funny, kind experiences #choosinglove #doingourbest #braveasfuck.
Comments