“Where there is anger there is always pain underneath”~Eckhart Tolle
So yesterday afternoon, anger hit. I was angry at my husband not just for the recent abusive messages. I was angry and hurt that at the end of our marriage, he was not able to let go peacefully.
I wrote down this anger and briefly thought about sending it to my husband. I messaged a draft to a wise friend, who rightly advised me not to send it.
Then I did n't know what to with this anger. I remembered the recent advice of therapist, Laura-that if we don't honour all of our feelings, we are somehow disrespecting ourselves. Except, I was not sure how to honour anger as I associate it with violence, yelling or sulking.
So I sought more wisdom from others. I read an inspiring story that we believe that something or someone outside of ourself causes our anger. This makes it easy to miss the signal to go inside. So I turned out the light, lay in the darkness and asked my anger what it wanted to show me.
After some time, I fell asleep and have woken up with great peace. I know my anger was showing me the need to have boundaries in my life. To let go of the sense of responsibility to rescue or fix the emotional pain of others. I can't do that.
I could never do that. As the wee child who internalised responsibility for the physical and emotional welfare of her ill dad, who felt responsible that her brother experienced physical violence from the same dad.
I realise that I have taken this sense of responsibility into my adult life. The partners that I have chosen, the work that I have chosen. I have kept assuming responsibility. I have kept trying to fix. My anger is telling me that I no longer need to do that.
I am left with feelings of understanding and compassion. My anger towards my husband is gone. I see his struggle to let go. I suddenly remember him telling me that his dad refused to accept his terminal cancer diagnosis even at his point of death. And my husband was able to recognise that this lack of acceptance denied him and his family the opportunity to say goodbye meaningfully to him.
This morning, I have read a beautiful passage on mindfulness and anger by Thich Nhat Hahn: when we embrace anger and fear with mindfulness, we can penetrate those emotions with tenderness, attention and care, giving them the chance to be transformed. Mindfulness carries with it the energy of concentration, and wherever there is mindfulness and concentration, there is insight. And insight is the flower that blooms on the ground of mindfulness and concentration. It is the key to liberation.
Mindfulness and concentration for me meant lying in stillness with my anger and asking my anger what it needed to tell me, instead of pushing it away or labelling it as negative. I hope that my soon to be ex husband gets the opportunity to do the same.
I hope that some day we will be able to reflect on a marriage where neither of us were always our best selves. Yet remember the times of great connection, laughter and learning. Hopefully in this lifetime. #insightandcompassion #morehumanhumanbeings #braveasfuck
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