Don't Skip The Struggle

Today I have been separated from my husband for exactly two years. This realisation is helpful as it made me think about divorce again and look at Glasgow sheriff court website. Where I found out that I can apply for a divorce without my husband's consent. I write again as we agreed to a consensual simplified divorce after about a year, filled in the paperwork, I went to the sheriff court and got the avidavit signed. Then forgot I had sent the wedding certificate to the passport office to book a badass yoga retreat in Spain. Then lockdown happened.

Yesterday I had a really strong felt sense. The sense I used to get when we were breaking up. The sense that I was being treated like crap and there were other more beautiful options out there. And then I remembered all the shit, the shit I have tended to push away insisting that it is "fine" and "we remain the best of friends". Like a good celeb break-up.

I remembered taking responsibility for his bad behaviour at the end of our relationship because my lack of self worth assumed it probably was my fault somewhere. The gas-lighting, the drunk abusive phone calls. Defending his behaviour to the people who love me.

And instead of pushing it away, I allowed myself to feel it. To sit at the bottom of the bed and feel it. To walk up the hill with the dog and feel it. To acknowledge this shit behaviour without taking responsibility or defending it. To hold onto my compassion for him by recognising his fear. By recognising that 'people love at their level of consciousness' (thank you, Eckhart T). While holding onto my compassion for me by knowing that I do not need my husband's consent to apply for this divorce #dontskipthestruggle #compassionateboundaries #braveasfuck.