I am back at work this week and working from my parents' home for a couple of weeks to keep the rural summer holiday vibe going before I go back to Glasgow. Today, I was a bad ass and said no. Ofcourse, only after saying yes first.
I got asked to help test out a bit of software with some one in my team at short notice and it would take up some of the morning. I said yes but I meant no. I had just got back from holiday and was trying to catch up.
When I said yes but meant no, everything immediately changed. I became physically tighter, I started to feel stressed as my work deadlines felt more intense with less time to do them in. I briefly looked in the mirror and immediately hated my hair. When before I said yes when I meant no, I thought my hair looked bloody good.
When I said yes but meant no, I became more stressed, less happy and further and further away from my true self. When I said yes but meant no, it is because I wanted to help yet also to please, to make people like me. This is such a crappy thing to be stressed about, my inner critic yelled. Yet if I am not in control over these smaller things in my life, how can I expect to surf through the bigger waves?
I got quiet and still. I put my hand on my heart and imagined a scenario where I emailed back and chose a different option. Immediately, I thought of what others would think-my boss would think I was skiving, my co-worker would hate me. The physical sensation of tightness grew more with the familiar pull of people pleasing.
I got quieter and stiller. I reminded myself that my life will not grow and expand if I keep saying yes when I mean no. That these feelings of physical discomfort are my guide. I emailed back saying could anyone else help as I was super busy. And as I did, I remembered I am a hard worker, I help whenever I can and it is ok to not always be able to help out. I felt myself expand. My colleague was like 'yeah of course'. I looked in the mirror and my hair looked bloody good. #everynoIsayisayestomyself #amindathomewithitself #byronkatieisthebomb #braveasfuck.
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