Human Beings Are Amazing

Last night I watched my oldest friend on an online discussion panel for Global Health Film Classics. Squeeze (Louise) and I have been friends since we were 10 and she came from the East coast to her family’s caravan in the wee West coast fishing village that I grew up in (we wasted a couple of years of potential friendship as she thought I was a boy!).

Squeeze and her husband, Neil had been filmed during the last few years of his 34 year old life following his diagnosis from motor neurone disease for the 2013 film, 'I Am Breathing' (www.iambreathing.com) A film which in the trailer, Neil geniusly described as “a film of fun and laughs with a smattering of upset and devastation“. My friend was her usual extraordinary self as she reflected on that time with honesty and grace.

Video shots of their wedding in 2003 were shown in the film and somewhere amid my deep love and admiration for my friend, I felt familiar pangs of shame and guilt. For I had not attended the full wedding. The weekend before, my first husband had punched me full force in the face then attempted to take an overdose with paracetamol using the bottle of champagne that I had bought as a wedding present to wash the pills down. Life was a bit messy then.

I have always felt ashamed that I was not there for the full day, however was not able to explain what was going on for me at that time. A couple of years ago, I did explain to my dearest, oldest friend and she was so sweet and understanding. However, the guilt had remained somewhere deep in my psyche. Until last night.

Watching the film again and being reminded of the incredible brave as fuckness of these two extraordinary human beings, I knew it was time to let my old story go. And to let it go with great tenderness and forgiveness for my younger self and for my first husband, who was starting to repeat the same patterns of domestic abuse that he had witnessed as a child.

The painting in this blog is by my very talented friend (@edenfawkesstudio). She has remarried another awesome guy, had another awesome kid, has the best dog in the world, has just published her memoir (Breathing Platitudes) and is making brilliant art by the East Coast sea woohoo #lifeisprecious #humanbeingsareamazing #braveasfuck.