It Only Takes One Person

I just watched A Beautiful Day In The Neighbourhood with Tom Hanks, a film that I went to see at the Everyman cinema pre-lockdown. This film was as compassionate and healing as I remember it. Based on a true story between the relationship between children's presenter, Ted Rogers and a journalist and the power of human connection.

At the time I had watched the film before, I had experienced a unexpected connection which, at the risk of sounding dramatic, in many ways positively changed the direction of both of our lives.

There was an instant connection between us when we met through work-initiated by me chatting about having just been on a silent retreat and him saying that he was a meditator. We discovered we had a lot in common. Both recovering from painful break-ups except he had cheated on his partner (something he deeply regretted) and this time, I had been on the receiving end of infidelity.

After a night together, I felt the familiar pull to be in a relationship and no doubt probably marry him (based on my past form). Yet as I prepared to pull towards, I felt him energetically pull away-classic abandonment-engulfment cycle. I was able to recognise this old pattern of behaviour-investing in some one else rather than myself and starting to create stories about us together.

One early morning a few days later, I was out running in the beauty of the woods in my local park. I was conflicted-I knew I was repeating old patterns of behaviour however there seemed a sense of security in this and I was resisting the discomfort of choosing a new story.

At this point, I got really still amongst the reassurance of the forest. I stayed still and when my calm and kind inner voice spoke, I felt able to listen. I sent a message saying could we just be friends as I was recognising the old patterns within myself and I wanted to make new conscious choices. I felt immediate if uneasy relief at this unprecedented choice of myself.

And this act of valuing myself seemed to allow him to value me as a person and our connection was able to continue as friends. Brene (Queen) Brown describes connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

We were able to talk about our conditioned stories. For him, he spoke about his childhood growing up in a tough part of Glasgow. Finding out that a father he never knew had committed suicide, experiencing violence from a step-father, estrangement from his mother and growing up in a male world where football and violence existed at the expense of authentic connection. He spoke about his love for his former partner, his devastation that the relationship had ended and his growing realisation that he always equated love with violence because of his childhood.

For me, I could talk to him easily about the last year hiding my heartbreak in a new job. About how I had always looked to some one else to validate me. I spoke about my shame at how my second marriage had ended, about my childhood, my past experiences of violence, of how I frequently felt too much yet not enough.I told him about the night in February earlier this year when I had stood on a bridge on the Clyde contemplating what would happen if I jumped because I was so tired of not loving who I was. I can see now that I did n't want my life to end, I just wanted to end the life where I was n't living as my true self.

We found strength in our connection, strength at feeling seen, heard and valued. I made the conscious choice to understand the voice that encouraged me to stand on the Clyde that night and that's when I properly committed to working with therapist, Laura. I am now doing the work and embracing my best life on my own.

He also started working with a therapist to change his understanding of love from pain and was able to start having open-hearted talks with his former partner. The last time we spoke several months ago, they had got back together as she recognised his choice of courage over comfort. Writing that made gave me goose-bumps as I think that is really beautiful #connectioniseverything #hardestposttowriteyet #braveasfuck.