Love Is Love

Yesterday morning I was out for a run and my brother called. We chatted for a bit then I told him about my recent fight with my sister. I had n't planned on telling him. Very quickly I noticed myself telling more details of the story than I planned. I felt the childhood pull to please my brother. Then I felt the pull of feeling disloyal to my sister. The complexity of siblings relationships bound up in one short phone call.

After I came off the phone, I was in physical discomfort-my chest felt tight and my head was scrambled. I had to fight really hard not to call back my brother to check in with him, to check he was happy with me. However, I also now know that this discomfort is a sign to go deeper into myself. It is a sign of an old behaviour. The kind of old behaviour that I don't want in my new life. The people pleasing, the making up old stories in my head.

So I resisted calling him back, I recognised this discomfort has to be faced. Except it was acute and I did n't want to face it alone. So I called one of my best friends. Shelly. And she helped to remind me of why I am making these changes and that change is uncomfortable. Connecting with some one I love and being vulnerable helped me so much.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about old stories that take up a lot of room in my head. This morning, I called my brother. I left an answer message telling him that I loved him. Then I texted him the same message-that in 45 years, I had never told him I loved him, that I thought he was an awesome human being, a loyal and kind bruv, husband and father. Then I told him he could relax, the cheesy moment was over (he is a west of Scotland male and probably not drunk so would struggle with this unexpected raw emotion). I have just messaged my sister to tell her the same.#choosinglove #alldoingourbest #braveasfuck.