Name It To Tame It

I had therapy yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. In my desire to create a new authentic life free from old stories and fears, therapy plays a big part in this. It allows me to recognise the old thinking patterns and emotions which helps release them.

During the session, Laura, my therapist reminded me of the words that I had said a few months ago-I deserve to be happy even when other people are not. I had shared it with her after reading it somewhere and found it incredibly poignant as I had n't actually realised that I could be.

When Laura reminded me of these words, I felt myself hit with a wave of emotion so strong that it caused me to pause and look away from the screen. My eyes filled with tears and I felt a sob rising from deep within me. Dan Siegal describes emotions as deep level signals about information that demands attention. This felt exactly like a deep level signal.

I had been describing to Laura my growing awareness that I continue to take responsibility for the feelings of others. If some one is having a hard time, I feel in some way responsible for making them feel better. I feel I have to keep the focus on their emotion state. Which can lack the natural ebb and flow that takes place in relationships. It also takes away the agency of the other person to choose their own mood and how they manage it. And as Laura explained, we can't remain doing deep work all the time. I guess sometimes we need to come up to the shallows to allow the depth. In the shallows there can be lightness and humour.

Yesterday, I think my deep level signal was from my wee child. My wee child who saw her dad being taken to hospital in a stretcher. While she and her brother pushed their younger sister on their teak octagon-shaped coffee table in the sitting room to distract her from what was happening on the hall stairs. My wee child who had watched her dad return home after a long time in hospital, and as he came out of the car, was stricken with panic because he looked so very pale and so very ill. My wee child who began her own little vigil to make sure that her dad did n't die. My wee child who took responsibility to make sure that she was quieter, that her laugh was not too loud, that she pleased everyone. My wee child who when asked what she wanted for Christmas by her teacher asked for her dad to get better.

Dan Seigal also says we need to name an emotion to tame it. Except my wee child has never known how to name an emotion. So I helped. I remembered the list of emotions by Brene (I feel I can just call her Brene now, she has taken on single-name status for me alongside Prince, Madonna and Oprah). I had been introduced to this list last month by the beyond inspirational Jenny, founder of the mindful leadership programme I am doing. So I looked it up in my workbook. And I scanned all of the many human emotions. And I stopped at scared. And when I saw helpless, without thinking, my hands reached up as if to pull my top over my head and my knees pulled into my chest. My wee child recognised scared and helpless. #nameittotameit #lovingmyweechild #braveasfuck.