While I was off for the last couple of days rocking the hell out of being sick, I thought about the previous times I have been unwell. And I thought about how stressed I have been recently. Stress is usually a reaction to mental or emotional pressure and the effects of stress on immunity are well known. In its simplest terms, our bodies go into overdrive so we can perform at maximum power to tackle our stressors, meaning the strength of our immunity can suffer.
I moved out of front line social work practice eighteen months ago and into a training and development role with a non profit organisation. This has meant that I don't experience the same levels of mental or emotional pressure as I did when I worked within a local authority neoliberal system. This means that I am not off sick as much.
Yet last week, I was performing at maximum power. I unexpectedly had to deliver training on my own, cramming to learn the additional slides the night before. Then later in the week, I had another additional new piece of work so spent a couple of nights researching and writing it.
This is within the context of working from home for the last five months during a global pandemic health crisis. Like everyone else, I have adapted my small flat to being my full-time workplace and there have been many benefits. However, I have also been working on my couch in my small living space, trying to deliver the same level of output.
Last week, I felt the familiar feelings of stress. My workload has also increased in the last month and I have just taken on a significant additional role. Yet, I am expecting myself to be able to do all my other jobs in the same time. So I have noticed that I start working longer and longer hours so that I can get everything done. My to-do list keeps growing. My email inbox gets bigger. I notice that my breathing is more shallow. I am more irritable. When I am trying to plan my diary, it feels like my head may explode. These were always the red flags, the start of feelings which if allowed to continue will build to complete overwhelm.
And then this week, I got sick. Another familiar pattern. And I realise that I have always found solace in illness. It has always given me respite, to stop, to rest, to recover from the relentless pressure. Pressure which I am also recognising that I tend to put on myself. By ignoring the red flags. By not feeling able to say no to more work. Because, I did n't want to be seen as not coping. Because, saying yes is the ultimate people pleasing tool I have had.
However, this pattern has kept me small and fearful. And I am committed to not staying small or fearful. So yesterday, I spoke to my boss. And despite feeling anxious as hell, I asked if we could meet early next week so that we could talk about my work-load. Go me #vulnerabilityisstrength #sayingyestome #braveasfuck.
Commentaires