The Theory Queen

Since my awareness that I take responsibility for pretty much everything, I have been reading about a theory called toxic guilt, also known as false responsibility. False responsibility. Put simply, toxic guilt is where we experience guilt without having done anything wrong.

This typically stems from childhood and then is carried into adulthood and adult relationships. Say for example, a childhood experience like taking responsibility for the needs and emotions of a seriously ill parent. Or guilt that the same parent is in pain and angry and takes that anger out physically on his teenage son instead of his younger daughter.

Some further reading tells me that find those who experience toxic guilt find it hard to say no and put their own needs first, are sensitive and compassionate, may take responsibility for other people's happiness and/or health. So far, so outrageously like me.

A person who experiences toxic guilt may also obsess about another person's circumstances and wellbeing. They may obsessively research ways to help them and shower them with advice even when they fail to listen.

Countless images jump into my head of those last few months of separating from my husband. Of how quickly I assumed full responsibility for all that went wrong in the relationship, including his infidelity, of shielding harmful behaviour, excusing his outbursts of verbal abusive because of his emotional pain, of failing to prioritise my own needs and own emotional pain, of really crap boundaries.

Advice to heal include recognising and labelling your feelings, saying it out loud (or in my case, writing it out loud) and developing your own emotional self care which includes a shit load of kindness and self compassion. Learning to stand your ground calmly but firmly and to develop thicker skin-to learn how to tolerate disapproval and not pleasing everyone (gasp).

It also recognises that everyone has agency to make their own choices and to practice forgiveness for those who trigger our guilt. Whilst I know that as humans we are more complex than a label or theory, they have always helped me to make sense of my world and the world of others (former student, Laura had a mug made for me when she finished placement which said "Theory Queen").

And the theory of toxic guilt has helped me to make sense of my world a bit more and to have the courage to mention the violence my brother experienced when we were kids while remaining compassionate for my dad. #braveasfuck.