My second social work post was with another local authority and working in hospital social work. This included the medical admissions ward and urology. I also worked within palliative care, supporting people and their families at the end of their lives. This is when I realised how incredible human beings can be. The strength, grace and humour that individuals typically showed at the end of their life was awe inspiring.
That is not to say that there was not difficult as fuck emotions for them-overwhelming fear and stress which often led to family conflict. Whilst I continued to feel like I had no real idea what I was doing, I learnt the need to work fast to make sure services worked for families.
I also learnt the magic of just being present with people, often just actively listening to individual family members who needed to offload. I have kept a hand-written letter from a family member in Ireland. I had never met or spoke with this person however she thanked me for the support I had given both her auntie and her family before she died, just by listening to them.
I did n't always get it right. I got pulled into team politics. Workers in the team who did not get on and did not talk to each other. I lacked the skills to remain detached from that sort of shit and got pulled into things I should n't have.
I was intimidated by hospital consultants and so don't think I advocated that well for people. I remember being with an older man that I had just started working with. He had advanced dementia and was at the end of his life. He was in a cot in the hospital corridor. His son had not arrived yet and I sat with him as he was curled in a fetal ball moaning and crying. I felt helpless and out of my depth. All I could do was hold his hand and hope that he sensed I was there. I had to leave for another appointment before his son arrived. I was full of regret for not staying with him, for not fighting to get help for him. At least to get him a room.
As I write this, I can see that both my lack of experience and the weird team dynamics (which included the team leader) meant that I never felt safe enough to tell these stories and express all these feelings. I never felt safe enough to be reassured that making mistakes are part of the learning process. One of my top heroes, Carl Rogers wrote that only when we are in a learning environment where we are assured of our safety, are we free to move forward in the process of learning #freedomtolearn #safetyisall #braveasfuck.
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