So yesterday I went for a Sunday afternoon walk through the woods with my friend. It was raining heavily at the time we were planning to go so I suggested we wait and go later when it was forecast to be dry. She replied back 'sure'.
I felt myself wonder if she was ok with this, was she actually really annoyed about it and that is why she did n't text back much. At that point, I became very aware that this was an old pattern of thinking. The feeling that I have annoyed someone. And how much time and energy it takes up.
I became aware that, in its simplest terms, this is my six year old self responding to her dad's mood. Thinking that the reason he was sitting with his hand over his eyes or had to go back to bed was because she had annoyed him. A six year who internalised her dad's recovery from brain surgery because she was only six and the adults in her life were stressed or ill and trying their very best to manage it all.
During our walk, I became aware of the very small ways that I would have continued to take responsibility for my friend's behaviour or been worried that I had annoyed her. However, I have committed to vulnerability and becoming real so instead I spoke to my friend about it.
I shared with her my very recent recognition of this pattern and told her about my six year old self. And I allowed space for the conversation rather than assuming she does n't want to hear it (another fun behaviour that I have become aware of).
My friend responded with empathy and open-heartedness. Which allowed us to connect on a deeper level than if I had just kept quiet. Brene (single name status from now on) highlights that when we choose vulnerability, we deepen our humanity and connectedness with each other #becomingreal #lovingwhatis #braveasfuck.
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