I clung to this Brene quote like a life raft yesterday morning in efforts to stop myself sinking into a spiral of anxious horror. My upbeat post the day about my first MSC class had morphed into a potentially fucking enormous vulnerability hangover. In her TED talk on 'The Power of Vulnerability', Brene describes a vulnerability hangover as the gut-wrenching feeling which pops up the moment we decide to get real about who we are, what we want, and how we express it.
Images of how other's introduced themselves in the tutor group came into my head. One lovely woman had described how her love of archery was her form of mindfulness. In my introduction I mentioned my two periods of burn-out/overwhelm in my social work career, my fierce inner critic, my two divorces and this blog-even writing in the chat box for some one who did not catch the name of it-Brave As Fuck. She did n't reply so naturally this morning when I was down the 'rabbit hole of insanity' I assumed that she disapproved of me using the word fuck. I weighed up my options of leaving the course, faking my own death, returning to the course but under another identity with the zoom camera switched off.
However, by choosing to read this Brene quote, I I was able to see the large rabbit hole that I was about to dive into. Which gave me enough space and courage to make a different choice. I read some go-to Brene brave quotes for a quick hit. I remembered the power of empathetic connection. So I reached out to several people that I knew had been vulnerable and real themselves this week and shared my experience. Just the act of writing how I am feeling to some one I know will meet me with empathy is so calming. It is also a beautiful new way of being for me rather than just saying I am 'fine'. I was able to recognise that I am learning to be real and that is not always comfortable.
So I went back to the course. And the first talk spoke about choosing to befriend our difficult emotions. And also that energy follows focus and that we can train our minds to choose to focus on awesome things like gratitude, kindness and joy rather than the lesser awesome worry and rumination. And that when we keep making this choice, it is like turning up the dimmer switch in a dark room. Where we will find that the light is warm, welcoming and kind #becomingreal #choosingcourage #braveasfuck.
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